The other day I was talking with my sister on the phone and I was telling her how I am feeling a bit depressed lately and she said to me, "Depression is just anger turned inwards." Now she may not have made that up herself, but it was the first time I had heard that and it was a huge "a-ha" moment for me. I realized that I tend to be very, very hard on myself about the choices I make and then when I feel I made the wrong choice, I begin the journey to depression. So, I have made a choice to not beat myself up or self-loathe over my inability to stay focused enough to accomplish my goals. Instead, I will keep pushing on and try to face each mistake head on, and force myself to reflect on the misstep and keep control over the future.
So today I sat down, balanced the checkbook through March 16th, and began the process of catching up on entries for the last 2 weeks. I realize that when I get stressed (which is my primary emotion) I get distracted and lazy towards any goals I may have set for myself. If I am exercising, I use stress as an excuse to not exercise. If I am dieting, stress is a reason to eat and if I am trying to be financially responsible, I spend money on things I do not need nor necessarily want to try and relieve the stress level I am experiencing. So, I am working on making a plan for when I get stressed and want to splurge by building that into my budget. I will name it the stress envelope and put a small amount into it each week to use when I need some Retail Therapy.
I read a great blog today by Rob Bennett called Six Unconventional Mid-Life Career Change Tips. In the blog he talks about changing careers when you are no longer happy with what you are doing. What I took from the blog entry was, if you have your finances in order then taking risks in a career change can be a rewarding experience. Staying in a job because the money is good - but you hate what you do - will never help you become financially free. That has been my whole life. I have stayed in jobs because of the good pay and hated just about every moment. Being financially secure changes your focus on work from a necessity for living and being trapped to "I do this because I want to and I have the freedom to change whenever I would like".
I used to love what I do, and I want to feel that again. I want to feel excited about getting up in the morning to accomplish my day and feeling like I am good at what I do, I am not sure if I feel like I am doing a good job anymore. I changed from accounting to education in my 30s to make some sort of difference each day rather than just record profits for people. Looking back I am not sure if it was the right choice, but it was the choice I made and I want to do my job to the best of my abilities.
So, anyone out there ever feel like they want to shut down and not face your failure? I am going to allow myself some failure room, but try to always come back to my goal to help keep me focused on why I started this journey in the first place.