Time...

Well, it has been about 4 weeks since I started this journey and even in that short time there have been a few ups and downs.  Starting off and making the plan seems to be the easiest part, the waiting to see the results it turns out is the hard part.  It all comes down to that nasty old friend of mine, Instant Gratification.  He has been around for as long as I can remember and is a huge part of why I am in this situation.  I could assign blame here, but what is the point?  I know it is wrong, I know I want to live differently, so I should just change.  Isn't that how it works?  Well, if anyone has had any type of  addiction or been around anyone that has struggled with addiction, the answer is no.  Most of us can do anything for a short period of time, it is the long term that gets in the way.

I have written about my old friend before, he is my supplier. When I am content he gets jealous and then flashes something in front of me that I have wanted or maybe even needed and have been unable to attain.  And then it happens, I am back to scheming ways to acquire that item even though I know it is wrong, I just want the high of the buy.  It always happens at a time of weakness, like when I have had a bad day at work and I am feeling sorry for myself.  I come home beat down and tired and it hits me.  I work so hard and for nothing, I do not even have a dollar to spend, I deserve to at least _______, fill in the blank.  It can be, "go out to dinner" or "have HBO" or "go on a vacation" what ever it is that I am dealing with at the moment will pop up and say, "Here I am, come and get me!"

So, the journey is to push forward, make mistakes, lose ground but ultimately change the way I think and feel about money.  The control is in my hands, I must push forward.